Hopes for the New Year
I’ve recently heard a lot of backlash against the practice of New Year’s Resolutions. They say that you should be setting reasonable goals all year long, rather than trying to plan for the entire 12 months or whatever. What I’m hearing, however, is that there’s nothing I need to change, and frankly, I have no issue with that. New Year’s Resolutions are so last decade, and I’m excited to be stepping forward into a time when everyone else also recognizes that I am perfect the way that I am.
Since I’ve made the decision to continue following the trend and not make any Resolutions this year, I thought I would make a list of all the things that I hope will come true for you instead.
I hope that every time you drop your phone it will land on the carpet. You’re standing in the middle of the street? It doesn’t matter. Somebody dropped a carpet sample right there.
I hope that every new wrinkle you find is because you laughed until you cried, not because you were frowning at the kid bagging your groceries when he put the frozen stuff on top of the bread.
I hope that every movie you overpay to see in theaters exceeds your expectations.
I hope that the dentist tells you that you didn’t get any cavities, even though you didn’t floss one time since you last saw him!
I hope you rediscover your love for something you used to do as a child, like Play-dough, or drawing stick-figure pictures of your family. Not like pushing kids off of equipment at the playground though; don’t be that guy.
I hope your favorite stores will always be having a sale on exactly what you were looking for.
I hope that every sunburn you get turns into a nice tan, not cancer.
I hope that when you randomly find glitter on your face, it’s exciting rather than irritating.
I hope that every time you think you’re about ready to kill someone, the song “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star,” comes into your head and allows you to imagine drifting through space entirely alone rather than how irritating other people are.
I hope your shoelaces never come untied and trip you while you’re walking.
I hope every traffic jam will give you time to rehearse your Broadway audition songs, or what you’ll say if you’re ever on TV.
12. I hope you never break a fingernail.
13. I hope every time you see a dog on the street, the owner asks if you want to pet them so you don’t have to.
14. I hope that you hear “I love you,” every day.
15. I hope your handwriting miraculously starts to look the way you always wanted it to. Everything I write looks like it should be on a wedding announcement, you say? Yes, please.
16. I hope that if you have to get a shot, the nurse will give you a fun Band-Aid with Looney Tunes or Disney characters, instead of the boring beige ones they give to adults; like they think we don’t like to show off our Band-Aids or something.
17. I hope your shower doesn’t run out of hot water when you’re in the middle of shaving your legs, or roasting Chad from work where he can’t hear you.
18. I hope you find a vegetable you like to eat.
19. I hope you learn to do a cartwheel, all casual-like, that everyone sees.
20. I hope you come to appreciate the majesty of dinosaurs.
21. I hope that Oreos will do the golden cookie, chocolate frosting flavor again, for all of us. Maybe they’ll even bring back Oreo Cakesters.
22. I hope your social media post will have more likes than your enemy’s.
23. I hope at least one grievance will be left behind (after you’ve aired it, of course).
24. I hope you’ll get a breath of fresh air every time you feel like you’re about to fall asleep in the middle of a meeting and it’ll just wake you right up.
25. I hope you’ll go somewhere you’ve always wanted to go, or do something you’ve always wanted to do, and it’ll be just as amazing as you thought it would be.
26. I hope Doritos will start making the guacamole-flavored chips again (This one’s for you, Dad).
27. I hope you don’t get all out of breath while exercising around your crush.
28. I hope you never get stuck driving behind someone with a personalized license plate.
29. I hope your phone charge will last until you don’t need Maps anymore.
30. I hope the song you have stuck in your head will play on the radio every time.
So go forth, with my blessing! Live your best life, knowing that these things have been put out in the universe for you! I feel obliged, however, to tell you that all of these hopes only last until 11:59 pm on December 31, 2020. After that, it’s a new year and you’re on your own, Cinderella. So, take advantage of this coming year and don’t say I didn’t warn you when your phone screen cracks at 12:00 am, January 1, 2021. I’ll be too busy getting ready to take my next driver’s license photo.